To Thine Own Self Be True
by lilpocketninja
Summary: Everything seems complicated for Pao-Lin: Her gender, her feelings, her relationship with her sponsor. Everything, that is, except how Ivan feels about her. IvanXPao-Lin, Genderqueer Pao-Lin


Pao-Lin scowled and clutched the shiny yellow fabric a little closer as she made her way through the lobby. The ruffles brushed against her hand and she bared her clenched teeth, startling the security guard she passed while shoving her way through the turnstile. Any other time, she would have apologized, but Pao-Lin had already had enough of everyone involved in HeroTV for today.

"Dragon Kid!" Pao-Lin didn't slow down. She took a deep breath and didn't slow down because Origami Cyclone was just as much a part of HeroTV as anyone else in the building. Never mind the fact that he was waving a white bag no doubt full of chocolate-chip muffins from their favorite bakery and she really wanted to stop.

He didn't slow down either, and by the time Pao-Lin passed the park on the corner she had broken into a run. Some people couldn't take a hint, and Ivan was one of them. Normally Pao-Lin found his lack of social graces charming, but today they were annoying. When Pao-Lin slowed down to breathe she heard his footsteps still pounding the pavement behind her, and she took off again. Just when it seemed like Ivan might give up, the wind picked up and snatched the shiny yellow piece of fabric out of Pao-Lin's hands and sent it flying backwards toward him.

Two choices, Pao-Lin thought: stop and confront Ivan in order to get the 'suit' back or keep running and lose it, angering the sponsors in the process. Pao-Lin sighed and stopped running abruptly; Ivan flew past at a sprint before realizing what had happened and turning back.

"Pao-Lin!" Though his face was cast in shadow, Pao-Lin could just see his lips formed into a cute little pout, and she surpassed a smile – at least until he held up the fabric and it fell into roughly the shape it was meant to have. He gaped, and she scowled. "Is this _yours_?"

"It's the company's," she corrected as she took the suit and wadded it up again. It was terrible, absolutely terrible. The collar and the outfit's single sleeve looked like the top of a qipao, but it ended at the collarbone to give way to a red string bikini with the sponsors' names on each breast. There had been thigh-high stockings, tennis shoes, and a new flowing green wig to go with them, but Pao-Lin had fled before being forced to put them on. "They want me to wear it."

Ivan winced, but said nothing. Pao-Lin knew how much his sponsors' opinions mattered to him and really hadn't expect anything else. Of course Ivan thought she should, but he didn't _understand_. His costume covered everything, and nobody ever looked at him like he was put there just for their entertainment. Nobody tried to make him what he wasn't.

"Are y-"

"No!" Pao-Lin snapped. "I'm not wearing that. It doesn't feel right."

He tilted his head, but Pao-Lin took off walking back the way they came. He had no choice but to walk double-time to keep up as they headed toward the park. Wisely, he said nothing as Pao-Lin flopped into a swing and he sat down in the next one. The two of them swung back and forth in silence for a while, until finally Pao-Lin said:

"It's wrong."

"Mm?"

"It's wrong. I don't... I'm not... I'm not a girl, Ivan. They want me to be a girl." Ivan looked sideways, and Pao-Lin felt his eyes lingering on her breasts. She punched him hard in the arm. "I mean – I don't feel like it. And I don't want people to look at me that way."

"Like you're sexy?"

"Like I'm theirs!" Pao-Lin clenched her fists around the big metal chains on the swing until they ached.

"Like I'm on display for them to decide if I'm a girl or a boy when I don't even know!"

"How can you not know?" It wasn't hostile, just generally clueless; another trait of Ivan's that Pao-Lin usually found cute but today just wanted to stop. She took a deep breath, searching for an answer.

Pao-Lin didn't mind her body the way some people did, really. It felt right for her, with A-cup breasts and hips just slender enough to hide under baggy sweatpants. With hair kept short, clothes neutral, and a jaw that had grown just square enough, strangers looked at Pao-Lin with confusion and politely avoided pronouns. The flowered clip, the only commitment either way, hung heavy and Pao-Lin's fingers itched to remove it despite what it represented.

It was always someone else that wanted one or the other, someone else who wanted her to smile and politely correct them to 'boy' or 'girl.' To the them, her body bared meant 'woman.' To Pao-Lin, putting on that costume with its ruffles and bare patches of skin was giving them an answer, however symbolic and however much she felt her body was just hers without any qualifiers.

"Do I have to be either?" Pao-Lin demanded. "I don't mind it when people call me a girl! I don't mind it when they call me a boy, either! Because they're both right!"

A moment of silence followed, as Ivan stared and Pao-Lin glared at him, waiting for a correction or a scolding. She got neither.

Ivan twisted slightly, bringing the swing around enough that he could face Pao-Lin and lean over slightly. When their lips touched, Pao-Lin gasped and jerked back. She dug her heels into the sand in so that she could study him without the chain in the way. His pale cheeks were flushed and he worried his lip in his teeth while refusing to look up.

"Ivan..." Ivan liked boys. There had been a giant media circus about it last year and everything when he was caught with someone; Pao-Lin had spent most of the week afterward sulking because she was so sure that his smiles at her had meant something more. Had he misunderstood what she said? Did he think she really was a boy?

"I like you, Pao-Lin," Ivan answered. Echoing her words, he added: "They're both right, and with you it doesn't really matter."

"-Oh." The two of them sat silent until Pao-Lin nudged Ivan's shoe with the tip of her own. stood in front of him, blocking out the sun. He tilted his head back to watch her face. "Okay."

"Oka-?"

Pao-Lin tried to interrupt him with a kiss, but at the last minute he closed his mouth and instead their lips bumped together. The two of them stared, wide-eyed and both breathing a little too hard, until Ivan's head jerked down in a nod and their foreheads banged together.

"Ow!" Pao-Lin cried, and punched him in the arm again. "That hurt!"

Ivan bit his lip and her eyes tracked the movement without any input from her brain. "I - I'm sorry. Can I try again?"

She considered and then hummed. "Yeah. Okay."


End file.
